I'm in shock
A fog. A deep, blurry fog.
I am back in Sweden, and it's nowhere near as I expected it to be. I've been looking forward to going back for weeks, and here I am. Feeling completely lost. Lost in my own country, lost in my own house, lost in my own bed.
Don't get me wrong. We went to my sister's tonight, me and Jakob, and I cried of happiness when I hugged her and her husband, over and over again. We laughed our heads off and had two amazing hours together, and I will enjoy seeing the rest of my family and my friends again. But still, it is like a dream for me, firmly believing I will soon wake up. The only evidence I have is the tattoo, forever stuck on my ankle, and forever a memory of England. When I look at it, I can feel it again. England. My life of adventure.
But, let's start from the beginning.
When we approached my village on our way from the airport, dad driving, I got all serious and quiet. After been laughing and talking with mum and dad the whole way, I just lost myself in my own thoughts. I got tears in my eyes, and I couldn't stop them from start falling down my warm cheeks anymore. Parking outside our house, slowly walking up to the front door, opening the door and entering my room, there was no chance I could hide it the slightest. I burst into tears and had to apologise to mum and dad for behaving like a fool. It was just a too big shock for me. I didn't know if I was ready for this.
The calendar on the wall stood still on the 3rd of March, the date I left for England. The room was exactly as I'd left it. And the memories came back. The long autumn evenings when I sat there, lonely, bored and with lack of happiness in my life. Waiting to get away. Flee and start again. Change, which I definitely did. But my village didn't, and my room didn't. It's like I don't belong here anymore. I'm back, but now I am challenged and determined. Happy and experienced. I think I need to move things around in my room. Replace stuff and let the room start again, just like I did.
You know, these three months haven't only been like a long, wonderful holiday for me, as it might have seem. (Although most of the time it was incredible, everything I've experienced.) But I have cried more than I've done in months. I've had more thoughts in my head than usual, and I have never felt so left out and forced to live by only my decisions before. And to deal with the consequences. It has not been easy, but it has been necessary and important. Something good, and what I needed. It is just so hard to come back and remember my old life, trying not to go back to that when nothing has changed here, while I have.
I don't even know if I want my routines back. It's funny how easily you adapt to everything again after three months in another country. But what about pub nights? The English people? The trips? Should I just ignore the thoughts of my everyday life there and go on as before? NO, of course not! That is not what I want. Although I can't have my English and other international friends back here. I will miss them like crazy. They are all so different from Swedes. No offence, but the others are so easy to get to know, and to feel comfortable with.
It'll take some time. It'll take some tears. But I know that I will also share happy memories and laughs with the people I love here in Sweden.
So don't get me wrong. Just give me some time to think.
Välkommen hem Olivia!! Tack för att du skriver ner dina tankar och känslor så fantastiskt uttrycksfullt!!
Detta gör det också lättare att förstå :-D
Kram I love you!!
och jag vet precis vad du menar. skapa klubb?
Å Maja. Tack för att du förstår!! Känns som om allt bara stått still här. Klubben är skapad! :-D
Hoppas jag slipper joina er. Hur många hem ska man skapa egentligen ?
Olivia, vill du skypa snart ? Eller ringa på viber?
Å ja, självklart vill jag det!!!! Skickar ett meddelande på Viber så snart jag är tillgänglig! Kanske imorgon nån gång! Puss, love u!